dreams and conversations with the anchor and the hope

i have been having weird dreams. last night there was a banister that was so slippery. it had just been waxed. it made me trip down the steps. i don't know where the banister was. when i woke up from that dream my arm was completely numb- i guess i'd been sleeping on it. i felt like i was touching something dead when it touch it with my other hand- it got better.
the night before was the worst. i think i was excercising some leftover demons from the clinic. in my dream i became obsessed with the idea that i was pregnant. i have this extreme paranoia (probably from working at the clinic) so back when i had a sex life i would pretty much do pregnancy tests at least once a month, even if i got my period... anyway- let's just say that there's nothing to worry about at the moment. anyway- in this dream it turned out that all of the pregnancy tests were wrong and so i am pregnant. and pretty far along. the doctor from the clinic did an exam and ultrasound and was very furious with me that i would let this happen without knowing (in real life this doctor is not judgemental at all). the medical staff... everybody was so mean to me and made me look at the ultrasound and kept saying how big the baby was. i couldn't decide what to do. and talking to the "man involved" was difficult because i wasn't sure what man it might have been because it was so long ago... everything was really exagerated and weird. also, that dream was happening through one of those sleeps were you are half awake and have asleep so it all felt really clear and true. it was pretty bad.
i think i have so much on my mind these days that it doesn't take much for me to have a sleepless night. like the night of the pregnancy dream i drank a bit of coffee (which probably pushed me over the edge), but i think i couldn't sleep because i'm totally nervous about this puppet show (the owl and the pussycat) that i'm working on. also, i had a conversation with steve which was really a pretty good one but also sad. i told him that i'm interested in dating new people, in general. i haven't actually been dating, but that i wanted to be open with him about if i did. and his reaction was so respectful and great. it's so weird that in doing something that i thought would help give me more strength and distance from him i felt closer. it just makes me want to be with him more. he brought up the possibility of a trip to rhode island and i said financially it might not be possible and that i was also a little scared to come there because of how hard it was to say goodbye before. it just sucks. i was doing so well with trying to stay focused on what is here in pittsburgh and in my life right now and i'm just so easily drawn towards what i can't have. i have to tell myself that even if he were in pittsburgh, or visited more often, the likelyhood that i would be dissatisfied with the relationship is very great. blah.
anyway. these weird dreams and that conversation are pretty present in my mind. i slept well last night. so hopefully that will help me get refocused on my projects and the people that i'm lucky enough to have around me here in pittsburgh.

and again.

the no sleeping. the coffee and sugar i consumed yesterday couldn't have helped. at five i went for a run. for an hour. then i came home and started laundry. i slept for a little while from about eight thirty to tenish...

financial destitution- avoided.

...once more it seems that i've been incredably lucky in finding a job.
this three rivers thing is pretty sweet! my responsibilities so far seem to be to maintain a nice art viewing environment, making sure that the art is "turned on"(video and installation pieces) in the morning and off in the evening. random cleaning a plant watering duties. and just being friendly and helpful to art viewers- being somewhat fimiliar with the art and the three rivers fest in general. it actually kind of reminds me of being a library page for pitt. i've gotten a lot of ideas written down and a lot of hand sewn work done as well!
i've also done a lot of thinking about how interesting work in support of art work is. it's cheesy but it all feels sort of surreal and like performance art to me. sitting in a chair all day and sewing (my friend jamie actually did a performance piece only slightly different from that). Sweeping a floor which would be considered pristine by my standards: very zen. watering plants by making many trips with a vase (because of not being able to find a big bucket)- there's some kind of ritual in that. one women actually wondered if i was part of a piece of art work because i guess at one point i was sitting so still.
anyway the wage is better than i would have thought too!
i know i'll be working the same schedule - monday thru wed.- next week. but after that i'm not sure. hopefully they continue to need me on a limited basis for the rest of my life. ha.
the other big thing this week was that i got to see my dear friend andrea. andrea was in the puppet class with me in 2002. that was when i met tavia and first discovered my love for the world of puppets. during that semester i also developed a huge crush on andrea. it was my first serious crush on a woman and i was REALLY shy about it and could never say anything. then she met somebody and the began to date and it broke my little heart. then they moved away to portland, oregon- the land of bike lanes and coffee. i finally mentioned that i'd had a crush on her about a year or so later. i've only seen her twice now since then. She's one of those people that you can get completely out of touch with, but the second you see her your emotional state snaps right back into the place it was the last time you were with her. we had a great time catching up. she told me things about portland and her life there and we compared it to pittsburgh. we rode bikes and explored (and went up a really steep hill that i didn't think i could do, but did) and then hung out at the apartment for a while. It is very sad that portland is on the other side of the country. andrea is somebody that i would just love to be able to be around on a regular basis- she gave me a lot of energy and faith in myself in just one hang out session. it's possible that i might have to visit oregon.
for today- PUPPETS! i made a huge list of puppets to start working on! (surprise) and also the used booksale at the wilkinsburgh public library! and laundry, smelly, smelly laundry.


i'm sinking into a couch. every muscle feels loopy, numb, and funny. my mind is thinking in weird ways. what drug have i taken? its called insomnia followed by two puppet shows at the three rivers arts festival. i'm selling it for a fair price. any takers? no? whimps.
i just wish it would stop raining on my puppets. that is what i wish.

let me work it.

this stuff is addictive, this writing stuff i mean. that or it's just a really good tool for procrastination! i should be getting ready and running out the door, but no here i am typing!
yesterday i worked (yes in a money earning, people telling me what to do kind of way!!) for 12 hours for the three rivers arts fest. YAY! hopefully they will need more work from me once and a while. it was pretty exhausting, but also interesting to see the festival, especially the art show side of it, from an inside view.
today will be the first performance of gypsies and crickets at arts fest. we are on the stage in the family area located right next to the generators for the food trucks. who thought that up? i don't know, but i'm sure that they have never had to sing in a falsetto voice in a wagon and still be heard through layers of cloth. anyway, hopefully we will have some kind of help from the pa system! this is why i should be on my way already. we are supposed to start trouble shooting and setting up. i'm going to be crazy and ride my bike. i shouldn't waist the energy, but i've missed the ride down town and i'm not sure about the bus schedule... ok must begin the forward motion- oh help me coffee. sweet, delicious coffee (also addictive).


today i saw some ducks doin' it...
part of me just wants to leave the entry at that. maybe add an "i was jealous" to the mix...

actually it was an ok day, despite being jealous of the ducks (and i really don't mean that in any kind of gross or literal way- mostly just a joke). i worked on puppet stuff around here. sent my resume and availability to the three rivers arts festival people (and yes, year round employment is possible with them)and finally got in touch with the pittsburgh center for the arts about carrying my puppets! i even got to drop off three of them tonight! SO EVERYBODY GO AND BUY THEM NOW!! or i guess just three people should go...
those things made me feel as though i'm at least attempting to have an income.
i also had a mystery beer at the sharp edge and hung out with rebecca - who actually was the one to point out the ducks mentioned above while we were at the highland park duck pond (which is one of the best places in pittsburgh). in addition to the ones copulating there were also some REALLY SMALL and cute ducklings swimming around! this can only make a person feel good about the world. rebecca fed me a veggie burger and now i am home. i think i'm going to do some list making and hit the sack.
tomorow we have to load gypsies and crickets into the arts festival- which is going to be an amazing adventure. they have not been very good about telling us exactly what the hell is going on. so questions like "where will our set live during the week when we aren't performing?" and "what will the tent actually look like?" are not being answered. it will also be fun because of the heavy lifting and sweating. i may need another mystery beer at the end of the day.
  • Current Mood
    relaxed relaxed

winkin, blinkin, and nod are a bunch of jerks

today is going to be weird. this is because yesterday i had a great day of walking too much, eating too much, and working on my owl puppet just the right amount, taking an allergy pill with out reading the ingredients, and hanging out with rebecca (with a little twin peaks action thrown in). These things in combination caused me to be so energized than not only did i stay up late and continue to work on things until two-ish, but i also had to give up on the prospect of sleep around four fifty ish. i just got up and went on a bike ride, which was fun because i had the roads mostly to myself. now i'm drinking coffee and trying to gear up to getting the things on my list accomplished, but that fuzzy, drunk, numb feeling is already washing over me. take's me right back to my last year of college and the all nighters spent in the frick fine arts building.
whenever i experience extreme lack of sleep i can pretty much expect some kind of break down, self doubt, fear, panic attack, something bad, etc to occur. today i'm going to try to stay aware of these feelings being caused by the no sleeping and not something to worry over. wish me luck.
  • Current Mood
    lethargic lethargic


WOOOOOOH! i have the apartment to myself! I have made coffee! i'm going to put on some music and make pancakes! yay. i haven't done this since i lived by myself.
i don't know about the rest of the day... nobody that i know seems to be very excited about memorial day (including myself), but i sure do like a good picnic/barbecue thing.
actually. i need to get a lot of work done with the puppet stuff while i have the time to spend. i sent an email yesterday to a woman who is a head honco at three rivers arts festival (they also run a lot of the gallery spaces down town) and she may have some hours that i could pick up. so the poverty will be somewhat aleviated, but the art time may suffer... i think it's good though. it's hard to be constantly productive when you time has little to no structure...
ok. enough of analyzing my work ethics! i've got pancakes to make and coffee to drink!


I got nudged! shit. i'm failing as a poster.... a poster? anyway, truth is i've just been absorbed in childrens' festival crap and been slightly lazy... but the childrens'fextival is now over and done with and i have a tee shirt to prove it. it went pretty well and most of the puppets survived. i've got a couple of repairs to make prior to the next festival (one: three rivers arts) but all in all not too much. so i'm gradually shifting gears back into some of the routines i was getting into before gypsies and crickets became all cosuming. this includes refocusing on my own work, stressing out about money, stressing out about relationships (and the absense of), gradually trying to get in touch with my friends who i blew off because of my absorbtion into childrens' puppet world, and finally posting on livejournal like a good little internet junkie.
i'll probably just get back into the habit of making some daily lists and brain storms public... i need to do those things anyway and if other people can see my lists i'll feel more responsibility to actually complete them. so for today: i need to get some groceries, work on my owl and pussy cat puppet show (i have a whole ton of ideas for this one right now- it will need it's own post), work on a phoenix puppet, write a letter to an estranged friend telling her that i wont be coming to her wedding on a tropical island, but that i do want to be friends with her again, take out the damn trash, do the damn dishes, possibly go to free ride to figure out the cheapest way to get my bike working well again, and not watch an entire season of lost like i did yesterday, and hopefully get some sort of exercise. this is a big list. i need moral support.
i also need to get off the computer to begin.
oh, also on my list- call a dear friend of mine to ask if she's ever snuck onto the LOST set in her state... that is show is so good.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless

just like...

so biking was very nice yesterday. however, i decided to turn down several ride offers and bike home from down town. i usually take penn ave the entire way. well i got a flat in the strip district. this made me cranky. i walked my bike to garfield where my friend adam lives and locked the bike up there for safe keeping. maybe today i can take it to krayniks. it did not make for a great night.
anyway, i felt pretty natural on a bike- that's where the expression comes from i guess "just like riding a bicycle." i got easily winded, but my muscles felt strong.
i've been feeling as though i'm forgetting to do something lately and i think today i'm going to try to figure out what that has been. i'm going to make some lists and look over old lists and see what has changed about my behavior to make me feel this way. i hate that nagging feeling telling you that you've been lazy or iresponsible.
and finally i have allergies. on friday a fellow sufferer of seasonale allergies was complaining and, good old me, i said "wow, so far i've been really lucky this season and not noticed them(allergies) at all" well these words are now famous and last. i am so snot faced right now- gross.